For Safety Reasons, Please Refrain From Consuming the Bottle Marked "Poison" (part 1)

by Marcella Haddad

“It’s nothing personal, Fitzgibit-we just feel you haven’t been, well, living up to our expectations.”

Fitzgibit gaped at the assembled fairies. “Living up to your expectations?” He said incredulously. “What are you talking about?!”

Bundgring shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “Well, you see there was that time…”

“An accident!”

“…and that other incident…”

“A misunderstanding!”

“…and those tadpoles.”

“I didn’t mean to!”

“You see!” Crundymun said triumphantly. “Nothing you do is for a purpose.” He stood up and spoke directly to Fitzgibit. “We feel your life needs…and ulterior motive.”

“…a what?”

“An ulterior motive.”

Fitzgibit stared.

“And so,” Bundgring said, breaking the silence. “We have an assignment for you!”

“Assignment?” Fitzgibit squeaked.

“As a guardian fairy,” Crundymun said happily. “It will give your life meaning, we feel.”

“Like a fairy godmother?!”

 “Exactly.”

“…but I’m a boy.” Fitzgibit said confusedly.

“Not to worry,” Bundgring said

“You’ll be breaking the tradition,” added Crundymun

“Setting your own pace!”

“Revolutionizing the fairy world!”

“But…but I don’t want to revolutionize the fairy world…”

“You see, my dear fairy, this is the part where you don’t really have a choice.” Bundgring said kindly. “But don’t worry! We have made it easy on you! We found a nice girl-“

“Lovely creature, but a bit lost-“

“And all she needs is a nice guardian fairy like you to set her right again!”

Fitzgibit cringed with the unavoidable finality of it all. “Is there…nothing I can do to redeem myself?”

“I’m afraid not.”

“Perhaps…some community service?”

“No.”

“After-school cleanup…?”

“No.”

“I’ll take out the garbage for a year!” said Fitzgibit in one last desperate plea. “I’ll do anything!”

“Good.” Said Bundgring. “So it’s settled.”

“I have to pee!” Mercatia Downing yelled over the deafening rock music. “I’ll be right back!”

 Her friend Kass nodded as if she actually heard her, and went back to jumping up and down to the music. Mercatia wove expertly through the crowd, blending in with everyone else in her black ripped clothes and goth eyeliner.

 She was about to pass the door with the enormous security guard, but a boy suddenly appeared in front of her. She didn’t look twice at his blue hair or strange clothes, but proceeded to push past him. She really had to pee.

 “Hello,” said the boy.

 “Move.” Mercatia said when he didn’t.

He shrugged. “Ok.”

He turned on his heel and with a loud noise that sounded like a whoopie cusion, he dissapeared.

Mercatia stared at the spot where he had been for a second, shrugged, and continued to make her way towards the bathroom.