For Safety Reasons, Please Refrain from Consuming the Bottle Marked "Poison" (part 2)

by Marcella Haddad


"You see!" Fitzgibit said triumphantly to the assembled fairies. "She won't cooperate! She's rude, unobservant-"

Bundgring cleared his throat.

"-obnoxious, loud-"

"Fitzgibit."

"-rebellious-"

"FITZGIBIT!" Crundymun finally yelled. He sat down and Bundgring nodded to him.

"Fitzgibit," Bundgring said quietly. "You seem to be missing the point."

"The-" Fitzgibit looked at them confusedly. "-point?"

"Yes, you see, the point is why we're here."

"What is it?"

Bundgring sighed. "The point is, you are missing the point. The whole reason for this assignment is for you to help Ms. Downing become a better person-"

"She isn't even a person!" Fitzgibit moaned.

"-and to help her change those character traits which you find so, well, unappealing."

Fitzgibit looked at him. "Is that all?"

"Yes."

"So then...what was the point?"



"No way," Mercatia said. "Don't be a dumbass, you'll fall. And die."

"No!"

"Yes. You will."

Kass swayed on her feet, looking down at the alley below her. The two girls were standing on the roof of and apartment building, which Kass was drunkenly contemplating.

"But....Spiderman could do it..." she said, slurring her words.

"Spiderman had spidey powers," Mercatia said, gently taking her friend's arm and leading her back to the stairs. "Spiderman wasn't drunk off his ass. Spiderman-"

There was a sound like a whoopie cusion. Mercatia looked around, wrinkling her nose.

"Did you hear that?" she said to her nearly unconscious friend, not really expecting an answer. She turned around, looking at the deserted roof. She didn't see anyone, but when she turned back to Kass she let out a shriek.

"Kass?" her friend was gone. Mercatia looked frantically around, but there was still no one in sight. "Kass, this isn't funny."

"She's gone."

"Gee, thanks captain obvious." Mercatia said. There was that boy again, the one from the concert--standing right in front of her. "Where is she?!"

He cleared his throat. "Where is she, please." he said pointedly.

Mercatia just stared.

"I don't have time for this," she muttered, walking over to the door leading to the stairs.

"I'm afraid you'll have to make time," the boy said, reappearing in front of her with another whoopie cusion sound.

Mercatia laughed. "Why do you make that sound?"

The boy looked offended. "I'm teleporting!"

"You're farting."

"Am not!"

"Are too."

Fitzgibit took a deep breath, trying to have patience with this insufferable mortal girl. "You'll just have to...live with it!"

Mercatia snorted and proceeded down the stairs.

"Wait!" Fitzgibit ran after her, too embarrassed to teleport again. "I can help you get your friend back," he said, stopping in front of her. Then he stood up straight and puffed his chest out proudly. "You see, I am a fairy."

"You're the worst fairy I've ever met."

"You've never met any fairies!"

"I just met you."

"But...then..." Fitzgibit sputtered.

Mercatia crossed her arms and stared him down with her evil expression. Fitzgibit seemed to shrink before her eyes. She looked him up and down, then sighed.

"Fine," she said, walking to the door of the abandoned building. "You can 'help' me get Kass back." She looked behind her. "But god, are you pathetic or what?