For Safety Reasons, Please Refrain From Consuming the Bottle Marked "Poison" (part 3)

by Marcella Haddad

"So...what exactly does this accomplish?" Mercatia said skeptically as she watched Fitzgibit.

"I told you. I'm calling on the fairy spirits to grant us access into the fairy world."

He was drawing something in the air with what looked like a violently purple glowstick. Mercatia tilted her head from side to side, trying to read his messy handwriting.

"Is that a different language?" She said finally, when she couldn't make sense of the jumbled mess.

Fitzgibit turned and glared at her. "It's in English, that's plain to see."

"It's a pain to see."

Fitzgibit made an exasperated noise.

Mercatia crossed her arms and stared at his back, tapping her foot impatiently. Fitzgibit kept up his weird writing, until he had created a purple glowing door in front of them.

"Ladies first," he said, sweeping his arm in front of him.

Mercatia raised an eyebrow and looked from the 'door' to Fitzgibit. "There's nothing on the other side."

Fitzgibit made the same exasperated noise again. "You can't see Fairyland until you step through."

Mercatia raised her hands in surrender and stepped through.

"Holy crap."

He was right--she was somewhere else. Fairyland? Probably not. But definitely not the abandoned warehouse.

She was in the middle of what looked to be a circle of willow trees, except they were orange. Bright orange.

She had just stepped up to touch one when Fitzgibit appeared next to her.

"Don't touch that!"

Mercatia turned and looked at Fitzgibit. He had moved towards her, hand outstretched, a look of fear on his face.

"Why not?" Mercatia challenged, putting her hand on her hip.

Fitzgibit stared at her. "Because it's poisonous for humans."

Mercatia looked thoughtful. "Is it poisonous for fairies?"

"No..."

Mercatia shrugged and turned in a circle, observing the circle of trees. "Then unless I suddenly become a fairy, there's no way we're getting out of here."

Fitzgibit looked around as well, and seemed to realize she was right--The trees surrounded them on all sides.

Mercatia was staring at him.

"Good job," she said sarcastically.

"What did I do?!" Fitzgibit spluttered.

"Your fancy 'portal to the fairy realm' crap is what got us here."

Fitzgibit stared at her for a second, then closed his mouth. He eyed the trees again.

"Maybe they aren't poisonous..." he mused.

Mercatia glared at him.

For Safety Reasons, Please Refrain from Consuming the Bottle Marked "Poison" (part 2)

by Marcella Haddad


"You see!" Fitzgibit said triumphantly to the assembled fairies. "She won't cooperate! She's rude, unobservant-"

Bundgring cleared his throat.

"-obnoxious, loud-"

"Fitzgibit."

"-rebellious-"

"FITZGIBIT!" Crundymun finally yelled. He sat down and Bundgring nodded to him.

"Fitzgibit," Bundgring said quietly. "You seem to be missing the point."

"The-" Fitzgibit looked at them confusedly. "-point?"

"Yes, you see, the point is why we're here."

"What is it?"

Bundgring sighed. "The point is, you are missing the point. The whole reason for this assignment is for you to help Ms. Downing become a better person-"

"She isn't even a person!" Fitzgibit moaned.

"-and to help her change those character traits which you find so, well, unappealing."

Fitzgibit looked at him. "Is that all?"

"Yes."

"So then...what was the point?"



"No way," Mercatia said. "Don't be a dumbass, you'll fall. And die."

"No!"

"Yes. You will."

Kass swayed on her feet, looking down at the alley below her. The two girls were standing on the roof of and apartment building, which Kass was drunkenly contemplating.

"But....Spiderman could do it..." she said, slurring her words.

"Spiderman had spidey powers," Mercatia said, gently taking her friend's arm and leading her back to the stairs. "Spiderman wasn't drunk off his ass. Spiderman-"

There was a sound like a whoopie cusion. Mercatia looked around, wrinkling her nose.

"Did you hear that?" she said to her nearly unconscious friend, not really expecting an answer. She turned around, looking at the deserted roof. She didn't see anyone, but when she turned back to Kass she let out a shriek.

"Kass?" her friend was gone. Mercatia looked frantically around, but there was still no one in sight. "Kass, this isn't funny."

"She's gone."

"Gee, thanks captain obvious." Mercatia said. There was that boy again, the one from the concert--standing right in front of her. "Where is she?!"

He cleared his throat. "Where is she, please." he said pointedly.

Mercatia just stared.

"I don't have time for this," she muttered, walking over to the door leading to the stairs.

"I'm afraid you'll have to make time," the boy said, reappearing in front of her with another whoopie cusion sound.

Mercatia laughed. "Why do you make that sound?"

The boy looked offended. "I'm teleporting!"

"You're farting."

"Am not!"

"Are too."

Fitzgibit took a deep breath, trying to have patience with this insufferable mortal girl. "You'll just have to...live with it!"

Mercatia snorted and proceeded down the stairs.

"Wait!" Fitzgibit ran after her, too embarrassed to teleport again. "I can help you get your friend back," he said, stopping in front of her. Then he stood up straight and puffed his chest out proudly. "You see, I am a fairy."

"You're the worst fairy I've ever met."

"You've never met any fairies!"

"I just met you."

"But...then..." Fitzgibit sputtered.

Mercatia crossed her arms and stared him down with her evil expression. Fitzgibit seemed to shrink before her eyes. She looked him up and down, then sighed.

"Fine," she said, walking to the door of the abandoned building. "You can 'help' me get Kass back." She looked behind her. "But god, are you pathetic or what?

For Safety Reasons, Please Refrain From Consuming the Bottle Marked "Poison" (part 1)

by Marcella Haddad

“It’s nothing personal, Fitzgibit-we just feel you haven’t been, well, living up to our expectations.”

Fitzgibit gaped at the assembled fairies. “Living up to your expectations?” He said incredulously. “What are you talking about?!”

Bundgring shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “Well, you see there was that time…”

“An accident!”

“…and that other incident…”

“A misunderstanding!”

“…and those tadpoles.”

“I didn’t mean to!”

“You see!” Crundymun said triumphantly. “Nothing you do is for a purpose.” He stood up and spoke directly to Fitzgibit. “We feel your life needs…and ulterior motive.”

“…a what?”

“An ulterior motive.”

Fitzgibit stared.

“And so,” Bundgring said, breaking the silence. “We have an assignment for you!”

“Assignment?” Fitzgibit squeaked.

“As a guardian fairy,” Crundymun said happily. “It will give your life meaning, we feel.”

“Like a fairy godmother?!”

 “Exactly.”

“…but I’m a boy.” Fitzgibit said confusedly.

“Not to worry,” Bundgring said

“You’ll be breaking the tradition,” added Crundymun

“Setting your own pace!”

“Revolutionizing the fairy world!”

“But…but I don’t want to revolutionize the fairy world…”

“You see, my dear fairy, this is the part where you don’t really have a choice.” Bundgring said kindly. “But don’t worry! We have made it easy on you! We found a nice girl-“

“Lovely creature, but a bit lost-“

“And all she needs is a nice guardian fairy like you to set her right again!”

Fitzgibit cringed with the unavoidable finality of it all. “Is there…nothing I can do to redeem myself?”

“I’m afraid not.”

“Perhaps…some community service?”

“No.”

“After-school cleanup…?”

“No.”

“I’ll take out the garbage for a year!” said Fitzgibit in one last desperate plea. “I’ll do anything!”

“Good.” Said Bundgring. “So it’s settled.”

“I have to pee!” Mercatia Downing yelled over the deafening rock music. “I’ll be right back!”

 Her friend Kass nodded as if she actually heard her, and went back to jumping up and down to the music. Mercatia wove expertly through the crowd, blending in with everyone else in her black ripped clothes and goth eyeliner.

 She was about to pass the door with the enormous security guard, but a boy suddenly appeared in front of her. She didn’t look twice at his blue hair or strange clothes, but proceeded to push past him. She really had to pee.

 “Hello,” said the boy.

 “Move.” Mercatia said when he didn’t.

He shrugged. “Ok.”

He turned on his heel and with a loud noise that sounded like a whoopie cusion, he dissapeared.

Mercatia stared at the spot where he had been for a second, shrugged, and continued to make her way towards the bathroom.